My Sentiments Exactly.

New Yorker cartoon by Joe Dator 2008

Not Delawhere but Delawhy?

Only Stephen Colbert could get Mike Castle to say "I cockblocked Delaware."

(Select watch with normal commercial breaks and you will watch ad-free.)

My Favorite Headline Ever.

Mayans: World won't end in 2012, so stop asking us about it

I really think there should be a "goddammit" at the end of it. Thank you Mark Stevenson from the AP (and/or his editor). Click here for the story.

A GOOP Spoof.

Gwyneth Paltrow Nourishes Her Inner Aspect.

by Gabe

Gwyneth Paltrow stirred. A lilac-scented breeze pushed gently at the diaphanous curtains of her castle aerie (two servants stood beneath her castle window, one waving a giant palm frond as the other squeezed a bulb of artisanal lilac oil into the current). The silk sheets felt rough against her pearl white skin, as they always did after having been slept on for more than four hours. She would have to have them replaced; their satin comfort was gone now. Now they were like sandpaper to her temple (body). She thought of the tiny hands of child laborers in China and India, harvesting the silken threads for her midnight cocoon. Surely they would be happier doing something else, like playing, or going to school, or starring in a movie with Robert Downey Jr. She should write them a letter to encourage them to find their true spirit. She should have one of her assistants write them a letter right away.

"Dear child laborers," it would begin. "Seek your happiness." Blah blah blah, her assistant would know how to end it. She was always much better at writing letters, and aspirational websites, than Gwyneth.

Gwyenth slipped into her polar bear fur lined slippers and headed to the 4,000 square foot master bathroom to prepare her morning toilette. She rinsed her mouth with calf's milk and brushed her teeth with fresh mint leaves. She soaked for an hour and a half in the Olympic size Jacuzzi before calling out for the breakfast servant to bring her her egg white omelet with truffle shavings and gold leaf. What many people didn't realize was that eating gold was actually good for you. Although there were no particular nutritional benefits, it just made you feel good to be able to eat gold. She ate gold at every meal. That would be one of her next newsletters. "Everyone Should Just Eat Gold."

For the entire hilarious article, click here.

Even though I made amends with Gwyneth in this post, I really cannot believe I didn't write this.

Thanks to my little buttercup, Raina of If the Lampshade Fits, for this amusing lampoonery. And here's to Gabe, for writing it.

Cougar Barbie.

*Pool boy sold separately.

I Am Going to Miss My Daughter So Much...

when she goes to college.

She walks into my bedroom this morning where she spies her new "Rolling Stone" magazine.

"Mmmm...Brad Pitt," she says as she walks over to grab it.


"Ewww...crustache."

Maybe you had to be there. I find her mucho hilarious. By the way, props to her for my holiday header.

Geography Lesson: DelaWhere?

Now that you know about Wilmington, it doesn't really matter if you don't even know where Delaware is. Don't feel bad. 99.75% of the population of the U.S. has no idea where Delaware is. The other .25% live in Delaware. When I first moved here someone from Chicago said, "Where is Delaware? It's in Rhode Island, isn't it?" Ah, yes, do not feel bad.

Delaware is like the hanging chad of Pennsylvania. In fact, it used to be the lower states of Pennsylvania until the Revolutionary War. It is the "First State," in reference to its being the first state to ratify the U.S. Constitution. It is the "Diamond State," because it is a jewel? I have no idea. Delaware is also known as the "Blue Hen State," referring to Blue Hen Chickens, the official state bird which some general carried around during the Revolution to entertain the troops with cockfighting. The tradition of cockfighting is still carried on in Rehoboth Beach. *wink* Also, the University of Delaware is known as the Fighting Blue Hens. Its state flower is the peach blossom because before Georgia, Delaware was known for its peaches until a blight killed off all the trees.

Delaware is divided into three counties: New Castle, Kent and Sussex. New Castle county is where I live. Kent is the middle of the state and Sussex is in slower, lower and includes the beaches. Delaware was originally settled by Dutch traders in Zwaanendael, which I understand to now be Lewes.

Delaware is located on the Delmarva (Delaware, Maryland, Virginia) peninsula in the Mid-Atlantic region. It is only 100 miles or so from tip to toe with a state population of approximately 850,000. No city has over 100,000 people.

Delaware is home to the famous annual Punkin' Chunkin' event which occurs the weekend after Halloween. People build catapaults, trebuchets and canons designed to launch their leftovers (pumpkins) to a win. Canons tend to be so powerful they turn pumpkins into pie. And ain't nobody winnin' no punkin' chunkin' with no damn pie. This event went from being a couple of drunken friends to an annual (drunken) event that this year drew 20,000 spectators and dozens of participants from all over the world. It grossed around $100,000 in ticket sales, the majority of which is given away as scholarships. The winners the year I went - oh, yes, I went - were from Britain. Classes of schoolchildren enter as well as adults from various walks of life. It is one of the funniest things I have ever seen.

Punkin' launchers.

Rehoboth Beach hosts an annual jazz festival in October and the Independent Film Festival in November each year. And, as you know, Rehoboth is my other hang. Both Rehoboth and Lewes have beautiful beaches and state parks, swimming and shopping. Oh, and there is no sales tax in Delaware.

Chateau Country up north is home to the beauty that Andrew Wyeth captured in his paintings, some of which are exhibited at the Brandywine River Museum (actually in nearby Chadds Ford, PA), along with N. C. and Jamie Wyeth's art.

Now, just as you are starting to get comfortable with Delaware and thinking that you might like to visit or take a vacation here, I present you with this gem, found on the internet: Delaware. The Most Expendable State in the Union? An example of the hilarity: "Delaware blocks Maryland's view of the ocean." Have a look and a laugh. And come visit sometime. We'll keep a lighthouse on for ya.

Subprime Primer.

Oh, it gets better. To see the entire slideshow, click here.

Famous Dicks.

Okay, let's make up from yesterday. Clearly, the bailout is a touchy subject. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be a dick. But I'm not that much of a dick or I'd be in here: Dickipedia, the Wiki of Dicks.

Of course, you will find both famous and infamous dicks like Dick Cheney (and we all know he is not a dick because he is named Richard), Lance Armstrong, Kim Jong-il and Ralph Nader. But first, our favorite, most beauty-pageanty, Russia-spotting, wildlife-and-librarian-threatening dick of all...

Dick No. 1

"Sarah Louise Heath Palin (born February 11, 1964) is the current governor of Alaska, Republican vice presidential candidate, a compulsive breeder, and a major lady dick.

The only thing Sarah Palin seems to enjoy more than having children is giving those children ridiculous names and inadequate sex education.

Palin served as both a city councilor and mayor of Wasilla, Alaska, a nightmare of suburban sprawl located in the armpit of the state’s two major highways. Somehow, she was elected governor of Alaska in 2006, not only becoming the first woman, but also the hottest chick ever to hold the office.

On August 29, 2008, Republican presidential candidate Senator John McCain performed perhaps the greatest political mindfuck in American history by announcing that he had chosen Sarah Palin as his running mate. Palin celebrated by ovulating..." Go here for more.

But this is my favorite:

Dick No. 2

"Crude "Petroleum" Oil (born 65,000,000 BC) is a naturally occurring, flammable liquid found in rock formations on Earth, a complex mixture of hydrocarbons and organic compounds, a fossil fuel, the primary ingredient in gasoline (as well as derivatives like lubricants), and a dick.

At the time of its discovery, oil was an innocuous, helpful and celebrated substance. However, it has since become the biggest jerk among naturally forming chemical compounds.

Though many other dicks have started wars, caused pollution, destroyed economies, and formed the base for several lubricants, oil is by far the most prominent offender.

Just like human dicks, oil spent much of its early life not being a dick. It was simply content being a layer of sediment that was agreeable and pleasant to spend time with. All of that changed 100 million years later..." More on dickish oil, here.

I think everyone could use a laugh today. I know I could.

Hockey Moms for Truth.

Chitty-Chitty Big Bang.

Of course you've read about the new super-mega-collider, the Large Hadron Collider (LHC), lurking under the border of France and Switzerland that's going to smash atoms and quarks and other subatomic particles in an effort to try to recreate the Big Bang. If it doesn't work, it could create black holes big enough to suck up the Earth.

In fact, Stephen Hawking has a $100 bet that it won't work (that they won't find God's particle, that is). He thinks it will be more fun if it doesn't work because then they'll have to figure out what went wrong.

I want to party with Stephen Hawking.

And the guy who came up with this:

http://hasthelargehadroncolliderdestroyedtheworldyet.com/

There are 72?

Buy it from Amazon.