If He Had Only Been Caught With a One-Hitter...

...he'd already be in jail.

Photo from the Economist

U.S. Says Madoff Sent Cartier Watch, Diamond Bracelet, Necklace

By David Glovin

Jan. 7 (Bloomberg) -- Bernard Madoff mailed additional jewelry, including Cartier and Tiffany watches, a ring, a diamond bracelet and diamond necklace, prosecutors said in a letter expanding on their Jan. 5 request to jail the investment adviser for violating the terms of his bail.

Assistant U.S. Attorney Marc Litt in Manhattan submitted a letter to U.S. Magistrate Judge Ronald Ellis yesterday asking that Madoff be imprisoned for transferring $1 million in possessions. The letter, made public today, broadens the grounds for the request Litt made in Manhattan federal court Jan. 5.

For the entire story on Bloomberg, click here.

What on earth will it take to jail this man?

Famous Dicks.

Okay, let's make up from yesterday. Clearly, the bailout is a touchy subject. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be a dick. But I'm not that much of a dick or I'd be in here: Dickipedia, the Wiki of Dicks.

Of course, you will find both famous and infamous dicks like Dick Cheney (and we all know he is not a dick because he is named Richard), Lance Armstrong, Kim Jong-il and Ralph Nader. But first, our favorite, most beauty-pageanty, Russia-spotting, wildlife-and-librarian-threatening dick of all...

Dick No. 1

"Sarah Louise Heath Palin (born February 11, 1964) is the current governor of Alaska, Republican vice presidential candidate, a compulsive breeder, and a major lady dick.

The only thing Sarah Palin seems to enjoy more than having children is giving those children ridiculous names and inadequate sex education.

Palin served as both a city councilor and mayor of Wasilla, Alaska, a nightmare of suburban sprawl located in the armpit of the state’s two major highways. Somehow, she was elected governor of Alaska in 2006, not only becoming the first woman, but also the hottest chick ever to hold the office.

On August 29, 2008, Republican presidential candidate Senator John McCain performed perhaps the greatest political mindfuck in American history by announcing that he had chosen Sarah Palin as his running mate. Palin celebrated by ovulating..." Go here for more.

But this is my favorite:

Dick No. 2

"Crude "Petroleum" Oil (born 65,000,000 BC) is a naturally occurring, flammable liquid found in rock formations on Earth, a complex mixture of hydrocarbons and organic compounds, a fossil fuel, the primary ingredient in gasoline (as well as derivatives like lubricants), and a dick.

At the time of its discovery, oil was an innocuous, helpful and celebrated substance. However, it has since become the biggest jerk among naturally forming chemical compounds.

Though many other dicks have started wars, caused pollution, destroyed economies, and formed the base for several lubricants, oil is by far the most prominent offender.

Just like human dicks, oil spent much of its early life not being a dick. It was simply content being a layer of sediment that was agreeable and pleasant to spend time with. All of that changed 100 million years later..." More on dickish oil, here.

I think everyone could use a laugh today. I know I could.