Tuesday, May 26, 2009

A GOOP Spoof.

Gwyneth Paltrow Nourishes Her Inner Aspect.

by Gabe

Gwyneth Paltrow stirred. A lilac-scented breeze pushed gently at the diaphanous curtains of her castle aerie (two servants stood beneath her castle window, one waving a giant palm frond as the other squeezed a bulb of artisanal lilac oil into the current). The silk sheets felt rough against her pearl white skin, as they always did after having been slept on for more than four hours. She would have to have them replaced; their satin comfort was gone now. Now they were like sandpaper to her temple (body). She thought of the tiny hands of child laborers in China and India, harvesting the silken threads for her midnight cocoon. Surely they would be happier doing something else, like playing, or going to school, or starring in a movie with Robert Downey Jr. She should write them a letter to encourage them to find their true spirit. She should have one of her assistants write them a letter right away.

"Dear child laborers," it would begin. "Seek your happiness." Blah blah blah, her assistant would know how to end it. She was always much better at writing letters, and aspirational websites, than Gwyneth.

Gwyenth slipped into her polar bear fur lined slippers and headed to the 4,000 square foot master bathroom to prepare her morning toilette. She rinsed her mouth with calf's milk and brushed her teeth with fresh mint leaves. She soaked for an hour and a half in the Olympic size Jacuzzi before calling out for the breakfast servant to bring her her egg white omelet with truffle shavings and gold leaf. What many people didn't realize was that eating gold was actually good for you. Although there were no particular nutritional benefits, it just made you feel good to be able to eat gold. She ate gold at every meal. That would be one of her next newsletters. "Everyone Should Just Eat Gold."

For the entire hilarious article, click here.

Even though I made amends with Gwyneth in this post, I really cannot believe I didn't write this.

Thanks to my little buttercup, Raina of If the Lampshade Fits, for this amusing lampoonery. And here's to Gabe, for writing it.


erin@designcrisis said...

OMG, that is just too funny!

The Bean said...

Ha! That's spot on. I just can't forget her saying how hard it was for her after winning the Oscar, and I can't get past that as a shining example of her self-centered personality. Also, I don't know about any other cities, but her NYC restaurant reservations are by no means under the radar. Anyone with a Zagat book could find them out.

Raina Cox said...

"Everyone should just eat gold." Of course!

Thanks for the shout-out, Sweets.

HOBAC said...

I don't know Gabe, but I think I may very well love him.

The Townhouselady said...

HILARIOUS! Thanks for sharing that.

Katherine Lee said...

Hahaha! That's so amazing. I love how she assumes everyone wants advice from her. I just want to say "You're an ACTRESS!" Anyhow, I'm so thrilled to have come across your lovely blog and I've added you to my blog roll over at Urban Flea. Cheers my dear!
xo Katherine aka. Urban Flea :)

Anonymous said...

you wanna-be intellects and snobs spew out vitriol in both directions - left and right - amazing talent.

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